Friday, July 29, 2016

If They Don't Add, They Take Away

In October of 2015, my close girlfriend came to visit me at school in New York City. She flew from San Diego and was planning to stay in my dorm for a few nights.

She had just been dumped after a year long relationship and was having a pretty rough time. I suggested she come to visit so that she could get her mind off the breakup. 

During the days and weeks leading up to the trip, we talked and texted everyday in preparation and excitement. I did not expect that this trip would mark the end of a four year friendship. 

She arrived on a Thursday afternoon and everything was good between us. However, she did seem like she wasn't feeling very good; she was quiet and only ate one bite of her empanada at dinner. 

So, being the concerned friend that I was, I probed her about what was wrong. This led me to taking her to the urgent care on 57th and 8th. It was my idea and she reluctantly agreed.

She was prescribed some medicine, (I don't want to say why we were at the doctor, it's too personal) and started feel better and brighten up. 

The next day I had classes. So, we met afterward and did a lot of walking around the area. We got tea and macarons, she met a bunch of my friends, and she even came to rehearsal with me that night. Things were going fine, but my nerves about being the perfect host were growing because the weekend was approaching. 

I was really tired on Friday night and wanted to stay in. We ended up talking until really late. I thought it was an amazing conversation, but maybe it wasn't exciting enough for her. 

The next day we walked up and down 5th Avenue and then met one her friends who was visiting the city at the same time. This was not my idea! However, I was playing it very cool and didn't mind meeting her friend. 

We walked all the way to the friend's hotel in Times Square (of all damn places) and then went to a long dinner. Then, get this, my friend agreed that we would babysit her friend's infant child! I was surprised she agreed. That night we ended up walking around Times Square with a stroller while the rest of her friend's family went to a broadway show. It was miserable. 

We ended up babysitting of four hours! After that, I was exhausted and definitely did not want to go out. 

The night concluded after we met with one of my close friends for burgers at midnight. We hung out for a while and then went to bed. She was being super quiet, distant, and cold during our meal and conversation with my friend. It was embarrassing and made me so uncomfortable.

As time passed during the weekend, I became more and more anxious about making sure she had a good time. I was texting my Mom the whole time saying things like, "Ugh this is so stressful, she seems annoyed!" 

I think the more anxious I got, the more annoyed at me she became. I constantly asked her what she wanted to do and she would say, "Whatever is fine." 

So, I did my best to make decisions about which areas to walk through, which neighborhoods to visit, and what places to eat. On Sunday, we walked around the West Village which she claimed she didn't like as much as 5th Ave. 

Things were extremely tense that whole day. I knew she was upset but every time I asked her if she was alright, she said she was fine. She gave me nothing! She was so indifferent and cold. This attitude of not caring about anything rubbed me the wrong way. I still get uncomfortable when I think about it. 

She left the next morning. I think she expected me to walk her out, but I didn't. I said goodbye and then said, "Have a safe flight."

It happened just like that; our friendship would never be the same. This fiasco got me thinking about the entirety of our friendship.

After her visit, I realized that both friends should be benefited by a friendship. A friend should add to you and your life, not take away or make you feel anxious/uncomfortable. 

The only thing that this friendship gave me was an ego boost. I felt like a good person because I was always making her feel better. That is all. There was no reciprocation. I didn't gain anything positive form being her friend. If anything, her bad attitude and negative outlook on life rubbed off on me.

I didn't realize this before. My friend and I were close in high school and had lots in common. Now we don't, and that's okay. 
Sometimes people grow apart and don't necessarily need to be friends anymore. 

You may find that your friend is choosing a path or acting a certain way that you don't agree with. Don't go with them if you know in your heart that it's wrong. Stay true to yourself (your morals, values, beliefs, and attitudes). That may lead to friends coming in and out of your life, but so be it! At least you know that no one is taking the good from you and replacing it with bad. Find friends who add to you and make you a better person. 












1 comment:

  1. you are 100% correct about friends coming in and out of life... though do cut her some slack if she's just been dumped. Not everyone has to be super-close, but everyone is human.. and maybe being in a new city and mulling over her life changing etc.. is just a hard time for her right now. I don't see any reason to cut her out (from what you've written) but perhaps move forward and see if she bothers to catch up. :D best to you! xo

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